In working with parents and children of all ages, I have discovered that there is a common misunderstanding that presents a lethal threat to our children’s future happiness.
While the source of this erroneous thinking may be unknown, the essence of this faulty thought process is this: “If my son or daughter is struggling, it’s my job to fix it. If they are miserable, I will make them happy. If they are bored… I will get them entertainment. If they can’t do their homework, I will get it done for them.” The ultimate result: We end up working harder at our children’s happiness and success than they do.
3 Reasons Why This ‘Working Harder Than They Do’ Approach Always Fails!
1. Life is not set up that way. Life rewards those who find happiness with what is given.
We see plenty of examples of children and adults with almost countless “goodies” to play with, and yet there is no real happiness. When we offer our children a good home, filled with love and ample goodies to play with, we have laid the foundation for them. In this, effort is required to enjoy that life you offer them. Life responds to effort in every area, including the happiness we discover through full engagement. Children must learn to ‘engage’ with the world they have before them, and when presented with a challenge or obstacle or even boredom, they must discover their own path through this. If they keep asking us to help fix “it” in moments of unhappiness, and we do so, we see that our children (rarely) learn to sustain a positive, happy outlook. (Not to mention that we teach them a false lesson for life about who will be there to fix our misery!)
2. We teach our children that it is OUR job to make them happy.
This always comes to an ugly ending, but it doesn’t start out that way. Early on, for every moment of misery, sibling unrest or expression of boredom, we spring into action and we fix it. For every canceled playdate, we find another so your son never solves his own struggles with friends. For every homework problem too difficult, we make sure the answer is there, so your daughter can smile when she gets her 100%.
Thus, for a number of years, we keep leaping into action and we ‘make them happy.’ We keep fixing it.
However, inevitably, we start to get exhausted and frustrated. We are working so hard…and yet, the kids seem to keep finding more misery. Even in this great home, with loving parents, good schools and lots of goodies…they seem unable to maintain happiness. We start to notice how quickly they turn to mom and dad to fix their problems, and how little effort they put in themselves.
Eventually, years later, we find that if we keep working harder than they do at their happiness…there is ultimately no amount of effort that I can exert that will make my middle-schooler happy.
And even worse, they now blame me for everything. IT’s my fault when they aren’t happy or things do go well.
And why shouldn’t they blame me: I taught them that it was my job. They are just following in the path I have offered. And yet, the ultimate catch is this…
3. We do not prepare them for life’s disappointments, if we keep protecting them from it.
While it certainly seems reasonable, on the surface, to advocate for avoiding disappointment, this approach is harmful. Life has pain and disappointment, and it is experience that prepares us to handle this. In fact, it is the exposure to this, and the successful transition through such challenges, that set children up for a life of happiness.
Your daughter wants chocolate, but they just sold out. One path is to drive five extra miles to find chocolate and avoid the disappointment. The other is to get her vanilla and allow her to find her way through the moment. While a small example, this does capture the critical lesson: Preparation for life…or protection from it.
Learning to get through disappointment is like building an emotional muscle. We call it resilience. This muscle of resilience allows us to get through tough moments, to move on then to find happiness. Without it, we get stuck in the disappointment and sadness with not getting what we wanted. Thus, we need to teach resilience and inner strength for children to find real happiness.
Teaching Resilience; The Foundation of Happiness
Believe in your child’s strength. Know that they can handle their life.
And then, rather than fixing it, allow the unhappiness or frustration or disappointment to have its place. There may be a few tears, a bit of drama and maybe even some ugly words about mom or dad, but this will pass. The moment will always pass. And with an open heart, affirm to your child: “I know you can handle it sweetheart.”
Repetitive boredom and other complaints are not your job to fix.
When children say ‘I’m bored Mom,’ look around the room and understand that this is a statement that makes no sense. There are lots of things for your kids to do in your home, so allow them to find a way to be entertained. Don’t fix it. Don’t solve it. Don’t direct them. Instead, smile…and walk away.
And understand…it’s their job in this fortunate world they live in…to find their happiness. Give this some time, and you will see that they get better at it. BUT only, if we stop trying so hard!
Coping with disappointments are a critical life skill to develop.
When there is inevitable disappointment, you can certainly coach them a bit. But don’t try to fix it. Listen, and assure them that this too will pass. Make sure that your child is working harder at solving the problem than you are, and then resilience will grow with time.
As with all positive changes, growth is seen over time. When you make these adjustments, you will see a turn around that happens within weeks, as a more resilient and a happier child emerges.
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Dr Cale’s Special Report
Disrespect & Anger: What’s Wrong & What You Do About It!
Some of the most peaceful, loving well-intentioned parents end up with children who appear to be extremely angry. Some of these children become violent, uncontrollable, and cannot be maintained in the home during their teenage years.
There are a variety of reasons that could cause such an escalation in anger. The purpose of this article is to dispel a critical myth, and to make certain that parents become aware of the patterns of their own behavior, which can increase and escalate anger.
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3 Common Mistakes That Will Make Child Whining Worse
If your family is a reasonably happy family with lots of opportunities to grow, loving members, and a good purchasing power, then there should not be much to complain for your child. Your child’s room is brimming with toys, you have enrolled your child in a good school, and you are ready to give your support to your child, yet he or she complains. What is the problem? The problem is that your kid has a distortion of reality. They are focused on just a small part of their experience in life. This focus on the small part where they don’t get what they want is really a toxic poison…
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Dr Cale’s Special Report
3 Parenting Mistakes That Make Picky Eating Disastrous & Impossible To Correct
Picky eating can become a serious clinical issue, and represents a threat to your child’s future. ..if unhealthy habits continue.
Getting a handle on the core parenting tactics that turn the picky eater into a healthy eater is priority one.
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Dr Cale’s Special Report
Why Siblings Fight, Battle & Argue… Despite Your Best Efforts!
When children are bickering, picking on each other, fighting, and arguing, parents often lose it. Research reveals that most parents think they should intervene in their children’s conflicts and arguments.
They think they should be intervening earlier to resolve issues for their children. But most parents don’t intervene until the conflict escalates, then they yell and threaten.
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Dr Cale’s Special Report
3 Toxic Mistakes That Will Threaten Your Children’s Future
Under very difficult circumstances, there are times when the other parent will not communicate with you. Under these circumstances, learn all that you can about co-parenting. Take all the steps that you possibly can to protect your children and implement these consistently and regularly. In other words, do everything that you can to effectively parent with that part of your children’s lives that you do have control over. Make certain that everything that you do in your home and in the kids’ lives is healthy and beneficial for your children. Again, educate yourself.
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3 Common Parenting Mistakes That Make Temper Tantrums Worse
Temper tantrums can range from the mild tantrum, where your child is stomping her feet and giving ugly looks … to the more moderate forms of outbursts where she flop’s on the floor, yells or whines loudly, and perhaps sits down in protest and throws a few toys.
And then there are the ballistic, severe out-of-control tantrums! Such extreme tantrums evolve for various reasons. Frequently, I see these extreme tantrums with certain strong-willed or more oppositional children.
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Dr Cale’s Special Report
3 Common Parenting Mistakes That Make Toddler Tantrums Worse
We often think of temper tantrums as synonymous with toddlers, yet this is certainly not the case. While most toddles are prone to an occasional tantrum, it’s the toddler who tantrums three…four… even five times a day that starts to drive us crazy. Yet, most of the parents who come to me for help are dealing with something even more challenging. The out-of-control, scream at the top of your lungs, stomp your feet, fall on the floor and throw your toys as hard as you can tantrum. The REAL melt-down tantrum…pull out your hair because you just can’t take another second of screaming.
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Dr Cale’s Special Report
7 Mistakes You Can’t Afford To Make… If Your Child Is Overweight!
You want your child to be healthy, to be happy, and you want your child to fit in…
But you just aren’t sure how you can help your child lose the unwanted weight and feel good about themselves. You just aren’t sure how you can encourage them to get healthy and develop good eating habits.
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Dr Cale’s Special Report
The Self-Esteem Book: 12 Secrets To Building Emotionally Strong & Resilient Children
If you’d like to avoid the common mistakes that harm your kids, learn powerful character building secrets and experience the joy of seeing your child thrive, then this might be the most important letter you’ll ever read.
Here’s why: Most parenting advice fails to touch the surface of what really works. My newsletters are chock full of practical, proven guidance that everyone can put to use! It’s real… and it works!
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