Many parents are concerned about their children’s success and start early to encourage, prod, nag, push, and “herd” the kids to get their work done. The nagging approach produces results when children are young but backfires in the long term. Children become more and more dependent, and their success dwindles as they approach their teenage years. Watch out for well-intentioned parenting behaviors that undermine the natural growth processes of children.
How To Create A Dependent Child (You Don’t Want This!)
I recently had two families in my office, each struggling with a 13-year-old child who appeared sad and withdrawn. To get their children out of bed in the morning, the parents engaged in an hour-long process of nagging and pushing and prodding, culminating in yelling and threatening. Often these parents had to take their children to school after they missed the bus. Homework routines were even more depressing. Throughout elementary school, both sets of parents had nagged their children about homework. When the children struggled, the parents would sit down and spend hours working through homework problems.
The mistake these parents made was thinking that their children would “get it” at some point and start doing these things on their own. Children don’t just get it…usually. It requires a change in strategy!
You can’t push, prod, nag or coerce your kids into healthy patterns: If you want to create dependent children who are ill-prepared for adolescence, keep pushing and prodding. Keep nagging them to get their homework done and to get up in the morning. As they get older, they’ll become more and more difficult and dependent on your efforts.
Here’s a good rule of thumb: If you’re working harder than your children are for their success, you’re heading down the wrong path.
How To Nurture An Independent Child
Here are five principles you can apply to nurture independence in your children:
1. Have Faith.
The most important principle is to have faith in your children’s natural ability to learn from the consequences of their actions. Children are not stupid, although we often treat them as if they were by repeatedly making the same request. If you’re repeating your requests over and over, you have a parenting problem. Teaching kids that they need us to get through their daily activities is essentially teaching them that they’re handicapped in some way—they start believing that they can’t do it on their own. The first step is to allow your children to learn key life lessons on their own.
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3 Common Mistakes That Will Make Child Whining Worse
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2. Your Words Rarely Teach. Consequences Teach.
If your words were effectively teaching your children to get out of bed, you wouldn’t have to say it more than once. You certainly wouldn’t have to yell. You wouldn’t have to do this every day.
However, there’s an important caveat here: When you use choices and consequences skillfully, your words do play a huge role in teaching your children. So how do you use this principle? You make certain that there is a consequence attached to not getting out of bed. Let the consequences teach – not your words.
3. Establish The Structure Of Success: Work, Then Play. Every Day.
The basic notion is that you structure your children’s world so that work (homework and responsibilities) comes before play (TV, videos, computer, telephone, friends, soccer practice, movies, games with Mom and Dad). Do this every day, including weekends. Make it a simple fact of life: We do our work, then we play.
This principle is important for two reasons. First, it establishes a structure that allows play activities to be an immediate consequence and reward for finishing one’s work. This structure actually draws children into their work activities, which is much better that your pushing them. Second, this is the fundamental habit of successful students and successful adults. Individuals who do well in life do their work first, then reward themselves with play activities.
“Work, then play” is the most simple, yet powerful strategy you can implement to nurture independence in your children. Children embrace this principle quickly and easily, rather than resisting their responsibilities.
4. Ignore Anything You Don’t Want To Nurture.
You’ve set up your home so the kids understand that they must do their work, then they can play. They come home from school and start to waste time. But they can’t call their friends; the TV set and computer aren’t available; and no one will take them to soccer practice. The world is pretty boring. Let them be bored. Let them whine and complain until they realize that it’s easier just to do their work. As soon as they start to work, implement principle 5.
5. Catch them while they’re doing what you want.
Pay attention to them. When your children are starting to get out of bed, notice them. When they’re pulling on their socks, say good morning. When they pick up their pencils to do their homework, ask them if they want some juice. As they work on their math, compliment them on their hard work. When they clear the table – notice them. They’re answering the phone respectfully? Notice them. They’re playing cooperatively with a sibling? Really notice them.
This is very simple stuff: Engage them when they’re doing the things you want them to do. Do this consistently and repeatedly.
It’s as if you were starting a new lawn. After you seed a lawn, you have to give it lots of water and lots of attention for several weeks. As the lawn begins to grow, you can cut back on the water. As it matures, you only need to water periodically. Think of nurturing healthy behaviors in the same fashion. If you follow the simple process laid out in these five principles, you can turn bad habits around in ways that will surprise and delight you.
Remember the families with the withdrawn 13-year-olds? Both sets of parents came to me seeking help for their children, but when the parents pulled back—stopped pushing and prodding, and allowed their kids to learn from their mistakes—guess what happened? Everything changed. The kids began to get out of bed on their own and get ready for school. They missed the bus a few times, but they learned. They began to take ownership for their studies. When they got an F, it was their F. When they did their homework and got a B, it was their B. And the kids got happier. The burden of being a dependent child can be depressing to a developing adolescent. As these children became more responsible, their lives felt lighter, and they were more relaxed and engaging.
Sometimes we make the rules and requirements of life more complex than they need to be. The more complex we make the rules, the harder it is to live by them and the more often we fail. If you apply this simple set of guidelines, you might be amazed at how much easier and more comfortable life can become at home.
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Disrespect & Anger: What’s Wrong & What You Do About It!
Some of the most peaceful, loving well-intentioned parents end up with children who appear to be extremely angry. Some of these children become violent, uncontrollable, and cannot be maintained in the home during their teenage years.
There are a variety of reasons that could cause such an escalation in anger. The purpose of this article is to dispel a critical myth, and to make certain that parents become aware of the patterns of their own behavior, which can increase and escalate anger.
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3 Common Mistakes That Will Make Child Whining Worse
If your family is a reasonably happy family with lots of opportunities to grow, loving members, and a good purchasing power, then there should not be much to complain for your child. Your child’s room is brimming with toys, you have enrolled your child in a good school, and you are ready to give your support to your child, yet he or she complains. What is the problem? The problem is that your kid has a distortion of reality. They are focused on just a small part of their experience in life. This focus on the small part where they don’t get what they want is really a toxic poison…
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3 Parenting Mistakes That Make Picky Eating Disastrous & Impossible To Correct
Picky eating can become a serious clinical issue, and represents a threat to your child’s future. ..if unhealthy habits continue.
Getting a handle on the core parenting tactics that turn the picky eater into a healthy eater is priority one.
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Why Siblings Fight, Battle & Argue… Despite Your Best Efforts!
When children are bickering, picking on each other, fighting, and arguing, parents often lose it. Research reveals that most parents think they should intervene in their children’s conflicts and arguments.
They think they should be intervening earlier to resolve issues for their children. But most parents don’t intervene until the conflict escalates, then they yell and threaten.
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3 Toxic Mistakes That Will Threaten Your Children’s Future
Under very difficult circumstances, there are times when the other parent will not communicate with you. Under these circumstances, learn all that you can about co-parenting. Take all the steps that you possibly can to protect your children and implement these consistently and regularly. In other words, do everything that you can to effectively parent with that part of your children’s lives that you do have control over. Make certain that everything that you do in your home and in the kids’ lives is healthy and beneficial for your children. Again, educate yourself.
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3 Common Parenting Mistakes That Make Temper Tantrums Worse
Temper tantrums can range from the mild tantrum, where your child is stomping her feet and giving ugly looks … to the more moderate forms of outbursts where she flop’s on the floor, yells or whines loudly, and perhaps sits down in protest and throws a few toys.
And then there are the ballistic, severe out-of-control tantrums! Such extreme tantrums evolve for various reasons. Frequently, I see these extreme tantrums with certain strong-willed or more oppositional children.
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3 Common Parenting Mistakes That Make Toddler Tantrums Worse
We often think of temper tantrums as synonymous with toddlers, yet this is certainly not the case. While most toddles are prone to an occasional tantrum, it’s the toddler who tantrums three…four… even five times a day that starts to drive us crazy. Yet, most of the parents who come to me for help are dealing with something even more challenging. The out-of-control, scream at the top of your lungs, stomp your feet, fall on the floor and throw your toys as hard as you can tantrum. The REAL melt-down tantrum…pull out your hair because you just can’t take another second of screaming.
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7 Mistakes You Can’t Afford To Make… If Your Child Is Overweight!
You want your child to be healthy, to be happy, and you want your child to fit in…
But you just aren’t sure how you can help your child lose the unwanted weight and feel good about themselves. You just aren’t sure how you can encourage them to get healthy and develop good eating habits.
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The Self-Esteem Book: 12 Secrets To Building Emotionally Strong & Resilient Children
If you’d like to avoid the common mistakes that harm your kids, learn powerful character building secrets and experience the joy of seeing your child thrive, then this might be the most important letter you’ll ever read.
Here’s why: Most parenting advice fails to touch the surface of what really works. My newsletters are chock full of practical, proven guidance that everyone can put to use! It’s real… and it works!
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