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It’s like you want it you’re saying John sweetheart please cut off the TV and inside you’re hoping oh don’t cut off the TV because you want to teach you want John to learn and so see your whole way of dealing with John becomes very different because now I’m not worried about fighting I’m not in any battle with John because I control his world and if you get really good at this you just think about it and it takes and some of you can you can go kind of high tech with some of this you know you can do it electronically by shutting down rooms in your house you can they sell these great you can buy outlets to put into your entertainment room for example or to John’s bedroom and you replace all the outlets and you have a little infrared remote control you carry in your pocket these things are out there and they’re not very expensive.
So, when John doesn’t shut it down you just simply go you know and and it just is really cool because again I don’t have to battle John I’m going to teach John with the consequences that come with John’s choices and then see all this whole issue around control suddenly disappears meaning this battles that you have around control issues if you’re battling with and it doesn’t matter if your son or daughter is diagnosed with ADD or oppositional defiant part of what they’re there for is really to teach you in many ways you can’t get by with average parenting if you have an ADD or oppositional child you’ll jump out the window if you stay in that realm but you have to elevate your parenting so you really get this that John understands that in the world he can push back but there’s always a consequence that comes with pushing back which is not going to be me yelling and screaming at John that makes sense.
I can’t control John but I can control his world so I first step into the reality of that like I don’t control John and by the way John shouldn’t listen to me, John is that you know he’s no reason for John to listen unless I teach him that it’s in his interest to listen to me. See that’s critical John’s got to understand it’s in sweetheart it’s going to be in your interest to really get these lessons and so when he’s 6, 8, 11, 12 and you have great control over John’s environment, that’s that’s what prepares John when he’s 16 he’s over at his buddy’s house it’s 9:55 and he calls and says mom you know I’m I think I’m going to stay an extra hour late.
I’ll be home you know by midnight or so and you’re in sweetheart you have a choice you can come home at midnight and then you’re going to find those car keys just don’t anywhere to be found and your friends won’t be coming anywhere near for a week or so or you can be home at 10 as we agreed upon and probably you’ll get to go out tomorrow night like you want to see if I’ve been teaching John that my words come with clear clear limits and my action always follows that John will be going okay, got it that doesn’t mean John will always choose what you want him to choose but you can bet just like the fleas in the jar right that once you take the lid off that they tend to honor the consequence that was firm and clear they will honor the consequences that you stick to as long as you’re firm and clear that make sense.
It’s really just a magical thing a lot of your fear and worry about what’s going to happen in those teenage years you can just relax with that because it’s not nearly so challenging and scary when you understand that this is the way that John learns and if John really gets these lessons that your words come with clear consequences with clear limits that you honor and follow through with those consequences then you’ll find John it will usually follow through by honoring what you’d like for him to do. For these kids that are more oppositional defiant ADD kids, you know all you really want to do is to take all that energy and funnel it in a direction where they’re not fighting you, you know, but where they fight something it’s worthy of fighting for you know if the coach says you’re never going to be able to make the team because you’re just too slow you want your son to go I’m going to get faster or if they if if they have a sense like you know I nobody’s found a cure for cancer, I could do that there’s a problem here. I can find that you really want them to focus their energy in something that’s really worthy and worth fighting for and you’ll find that if you can honor this thing where you control the consequences impeccably.
Kids really get that lesson they put their they start shifting their attention to something that’s really worth fighting. For a couple years ago, I work with a family and in some of with some of these boys in particular I find more often boys that are diagnosed with ADD. They not only have a lot of energy but they don’t require a lot of sleep you know. They can get by on four or five hours sleep and they they’re like you know it’s just amazing. So I had this one family I he this little boy six seven eight years old didn’t require much sleep he’d be up at four four thirty in the morning he did have trouble getting him to bed you know nine thirty ten o’clock at night and and the family struggled so because they would end up particularly mom in this particular state because she was very reactive so child would push she would react big drama unfolds and that would happen over and over and over and over again but eventually they got it so that they completely eliminated the drama and the resistance and they really taught him that choices come with consequences and so he did this wonderful thing by the time he ended up 11 and a half 12 years old he started working on his uh his sporting life you know devoted himself to soccer and then eventually he ended up in football and he became obsessed with it now you might say he was a little over the top in terms of his obsession and the energy that he put into it but he was very disciplined in school he didn’t fight with his parents he didn’t create difficulties there he ended up in fact he just graduated last year ended up focusing all of his energies in a way that really served him and that’s what you find that these kids can do even the most difficult challenging kids but we don’t get it by using a lot of words we won’t get it by lecturing.
We will only get it by teaching John that consequences come with choices and the more that I’m willing to control John’s world when I can because when he’s 17 or 18 I don’t have too many tools left right. I don’t have a lot of control a lot of John’s world’s out of my control so a lot of that depends I’ve got to really make sure I pay attention to that early on that makes sense so finally and this is one of the the pieces that this is one of the pieces that is most important for you to in a practical way to master is that if I neglect learning this lesson about responding to John and arguing with John and feeding John and negotiating with John if I neglect to learn that lesson.
What I end up doing if I had a video camera kind of following John’s life around what I would find is that when John is giving me what I don’t want I keep investing my energy in it I keep taking the moments that I don’t want and I’m pouring my intensity there right and I’m thinking that if I keep investing in what I don’t want. I’m going to get what I do want it will never work you’ll find that the the rule of thumb here is that the more that you invest energy consistently and repeatedly invest energy in what you don’t want what you don’t want just expands it gets bigger it grows and so if I don’t like John being disrespectful and I say john don’t talk to me that way and he goes what way and I said that way and he goes what way I said that way I can’t stand that I feed that energy I throw all that energy into disrespect thinking I’m going to get respect.
It doesn’t work that way and so I encourage you to kind of think of your attention think of your energy as an invitation to your children and so anytime you give them attention anytime, you give them energy it’s an invitation to that moment to give you more of that now is it a thought process in their conscious brain that’s what you’re asking for of course not that’s not it it’s that your attention operates at an unconscious level it operates in a level that is much more powerful than what your words are that communicates that you value this moment in many ways see when we keep giving attention to the things that we don’t want out of their world looking up what we see is that the universe cares about me not listening the universe cares when I look out the window rather than when my pencil is moving on my math if there’s one universal law that we can say from the research it’d be this whatever you invest in whatever your attention consistently and repeatedly goes that behavior that moment has to grow.
So it’s like I use this weeds and seeds metaphor, most of you have an article that’s included there but this metaphor is really this that in life you have in your home you have weeds the weeds being talking back, negotiating, disrespect, not listening, bickering, whining, helplessness, complaining, tantrums, drama drama drama, all weeds. Seeds seeds of success happiness hard work effort kindness thoughtfulness responsibility picking up helping out all that good stuff for most of you I can project safely project and predict would be a better word I can predict the quality of your home life based upon a very simple thing if I had a video camera of life at home if more energy is going into weeds and seeds. I know what life is going to look like a year from now two years from now five years from now if more energy goes into what you don’t want if you keep watering the weeds with your attention you’re going to find that it just keeps growing so think of yourself think of your attention as water to either a weed or a seed you’re feeding it one way or the other and so the most important distinction at the end of the day at the end of the week at the end of the year is kind of notice what got more of my attention did more of my energy go into the moments I don’t want or did it go into what I do want because it’s going to be so easy for you to see what unfolds if you can shift your energy away from the weeds and into the seeds life changes automatically you don’t have to do a lot of other things that’s nice to understand consequences.
How you use consequences make sure you’re modeling healthy behavior but if I pull away from weeds and start feeding seeds life will change it always does it’s the primary tool I use in working with parents and you’ll see in the programs that I have on my website for example whether it’s a picky eater program or dealing with morning routines or homework habits any of those programs you’re going to see that I talk about weeds and seeds because if you ignore this you can set up systems and charts and reinforcement and…
Part 4 of Seven MistakesPart 6 of Seven Mistakes
Disrespect & Anger: What’s Wrong & What You Do About It!
Some of the most peaceful, loving well-intentioned parents end up with children who appear to be extremely angry. Some of these children become violent, uncontrollable, and cannot be maintained in the home during their teenage years.
There are a variety of reasons that could cause such an escalation in anger. The purpose of this article is to dispel a critical myth, and to make certain that parents become aware of the patterns of their own behavior, which can increase and escalate anger.
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3 Common Mistakes That Will Make Child Whining Worse
If your family is a reasonably happy family with lots of opportunities to grow, loving members, and a good purchasing power, then there should not be much to complain for your child. Your child’s room is brimming with toys, you have enrolled your child in a good school, and you are ready to give your support to your child, yet he or she complains. What is the problem? The problem is that your kid has a distortion of reality. They are focused on just a small part of their experience in life. This focus on the small part where they don’t get what they want is really a toxic poison…
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3 Parenting Mistakes That Make Picky Eating Disastrous & Impossible To Correct
Picky eating can become a serious clinical issue, and represents a threat to your child’s future. ..if unhealthy habits continue.
Getting a handle on the core parenting tactics that turn the picky eater into a healthy eater is priority one.
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Why Siblings Fight, Battle & Argue… Despite Your Best Efforts!
When children are bickering, picking on each other, fighting, and arguing, parents often lose it. Research reveals that most parents think they should intervene in their children’s conflicts and arguments.
They think they should be intervening earlier to resolve issues for their children. But most parents don’t intervene until the conflict escalates, then they yell and threaten.
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3 Toxic Mistakes That Will Threaten Your Children’s Future
Under very difficult circumstances, there are times when the other parent will not communicate with you. Under these circumstances, learn all that you can about co-parenting. Take all the steps that you possibly can to protect your children and implement these consistently and regularly. In other words, do everything that you can to effectively parent with that part of your children’s lives that you do have control over. Make certain that everything that you do in your home and in the kids’ lives is healthy and beneficial for your children. Again, educate yourself.
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3 Common Parenting Mistakes That Make Temper Tantrums Worse
Temper tantrums can range from the mild tantrum, where your child is stomping her feet and giving ugly looks … to the more moderate forms of outbursts where she flop’s on the floor, yells or whines loudly, and perhaps sits down in protest and throws a few toys.
And then there are the ballistic, severe out-of-control tantrums! Such extreme tantrums evolve for various reasons. Frequently, I see these extreme tantrums with certain strong-willed or more oppositional children.
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3 Common Parenting Mistakes That Make Toddler Tantrums Worse
We often think of temper tantrums as synonymous with toddlers, yet this is certainly not the case. While most toddles are prone to an occasional tantrum, it’s the toddler who tantrums three…four… even five times a day that starts to drive us crazy. Yet, most of the parents who come to me for help are dealing with something even more challenging. The out-of-control, scream at the top of your lungs, stomp your feet, fall on the floor and throw your toys as hard as you can tantrum. The REAL melt-down tantrum…pull out your hair because you just can’t take another second of screaming.
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7 Mistakes You Can’t Afford To Make… If Your Child Is Overweight!
You want your child to be healthy, to be happy, and you want your child to fit in…
But you just aren’t sure how you can help your child lose the unwanted weight and feel good about themselves. You just aren’t sure how you can encourage them to get healthy and develop good eating habits.
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The Self-Esteem Book: 12 Secrets To Building Emotionally Strong & Resilient Children
If you’d like to avoid the common mistakes that harm your kids, learn powerful character building secrets and experience the joy of seeing your child thrive, then this might be the most important letter you’ll ever read.
Here’s why: Most parenting advice fails to touch the surface of what really works. My newsletters are chock full of practical, proven guidance that everyone can put to use! It’s real… and it works!
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