In the last article, I reviewed the 1st set of fundamentals you must master. If you want a change negative pattern of behavior with your child. I explained how children resist the reality of their daily life and in this resistance create negativity. Other complaining, arguing, nagging, whining, questioning, or constant demanding.
These patterns are universally maintained by a resistance to what is their daily life. Understandably, most parents who are dealing with negative patterns are prone to skipping over those fundamentals because there’s often adjustment period where things do actually get worse. Yet, it is essential to honor those fundamentals.
Here they are again.
Inform the kids “Things Are About To Change” and it’s okay to have your negative moment”. Stop repeatedly engaging this behavior. Do not argue, negotiate, explain over and over, repeat or correct incisively. These are all forms of engagement. Expect that things will get worse before they get better. They usually do.
Part 2: Smart and Effective Consequences.
If you are diligent in following the steps above, your negative child will likely escalate their negativity. Why? because most of this negativity feeds off of your engagement. The very fact that the behavior escalates so rapidly after you pull away from feeding into it proves the power of your attention and engagement.
The complainer complains more, the whiner whines more, the negotiator negotiates more, the questioner questions more. Just be prepared and do not give in because it get worse. I emphasize this year because you mist master the steps above to ensures that the use of consequences remains effective.
The following rules will help you take another step forward in eliminating
1. Use Consequences with More Intense/Extreme Behavior Only.
Once you have identified the need for change, the biggest mistake is often to get ‘trigger’ happy with consequences or even too many time outs. If this happens, the consequence often stops working and then you’re in serious trouble. So please reserve the use of
consequences for serious and more extreme negativity.
2. Completely Eliminate Threats of Consequences.
Do not make threats of what your kids will lose. The research is clear and many of you already know this. If you fall into this habit, you ended up making threat after threat and nothings get better.
3. Determine What Specific Actions Warrant Consequences, and Explain
To Your Kids.
One of the more extreme behaviors such as unprovoked violence, public disrespect, or out of control tantrums occurs. Let your children know that this type of behavior will always result in a consequence. There will be no warning or threat. Simply clear and decisive action.
4. Simple Consequence: “Your World Stops”.
This is my favorite consequence. It’s universal, and can work with all ages. It simply means exactly what it says. Do this in some extreme behavior you’ve decided that their world just stops. Now this means video, friends, TV, computer, toy room, cell phone, everything stops for a set period of time.
For extreme behavior with young children, a time out accomplishes this very goal. For older children, you have to remove or shutdown the electronics or send friends home for the rest of the day perhaps. Either way, the goal here is to have a concise, predetermined consequence that your negative child will feel. But don’t judge the usefulness of this strategy based upon what they say. Base the value based upon the degree of negative behavior you see a month from now. Just follow the game plan, and stick to these rules. You will fin that a more positive home is in your future!
As always, you can learn more about these strategies at TerrificParenting.com