TerrificParenting.com

[jessiejames3]

I would like some advice on how to handle my 10-year old son. On one hand, he is bright, inquistive, clever, and sensitive, and very loving. On the other hand, he is driving a wedge between my husband and I because we cannot agree on how to deal with his negative behavior. He has quite a temper that is always bubbling just near the surface. If someone says something a certain way, or we say "turn off the TV, it's time to get ready for bed", etc., here it comes. If he can't get something he asks for at Wal-Mart, here it comes. If we're going somewhere and go out to eat somewhere he doesn't like, here it comes. It's gotten to the point where we just do what the majority of the family votes on and he either sits in the car or finally gets over it and comes in. On some occasions, if he's been acting ok, I'll let him get his Happy Meal, for instance, while the rest of us eat Taco Bell. I figure this is one concession I can make for the sake of peace.
In public, he gets so mad he "shuts down" and won't respond to any kind of parenting technique. I usually wind up walking away from it because I just don't know what else to do. On a few occasions, I get so mad at the "why!?" does he do this? thing I just grab him by the shirt and take him outside or I'll get in his face and "react", which I know is wrong, but I have my own temper as well and I can't think what else to do. Powerless parents? You bet!
So my question is, what does a parent do when nothing works? Walking away, yelling, punishment, swats, restrictions on video games/Tv; nothing has a lasting effect. By far, the biggest problem is that my husband and I can't agree on discipline simply because nothing has worked. Any suggestions from anybody who's experienced a child like this would be a great help. I also should mention, I have an older daughter (13-who loves to pick at him-another issue!), and an adopted 4-year old daughter.
But he's not a typical "neglected" middle child! Because of these behavior issues, he gets most of our attention, which I have thought maybe that's exactly what he wants. I could go on and on....

[jessiejames3]

Dr. Cale, I have read just about every article on your website and have worked on implementing some of the techniques. I have to say I have definitely seen results! My son is starting to come around and has been much more pleasant to be with. The homework situation has improved, too, since beginning the "work, then play" philosophy. Now I'm working on my older daughter's tendency to pick on her brother; this is taking a lot more effort. Getting my husband on board is harder than I thought, but I'm whittling away at him, too.
Just wanted to say thanks; I'm glad I found this website!